


I am not undamaged

by Birooksun



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Deviants (Detroit: Become Human), Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Introspection, Jericho (Detroit: Become Human), Jericho Crew (Detroit: Become Human) as Family, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Nightmares, North deserved better, Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Pacifist Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Songfic, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 09:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16406117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birooksun/pseuds/Birooksun
Summary: Based on song: Lost Again,North knows people look at her as a pillar of strength, the one ready to fight and die for their cause. They just don't realize it's all a cover. She's as haunted and damaged by her memories as the rest of them.





	I am not undamaged

_ I think we'll live,  _

_ which is strange enough to think.  _

_ Everyone was cheering  _

_ to push us from the brink.  _

_ We were entertaining.  _

 

North woke up with a gasp, her hand reaching out for an android that wasn’t alive anymore. Simon looked over to her, Josh was sleeping against him and so Simon didn’t ask questions aloud, just tilted his head silently. North shook her head as she tried to calm herself. She wasn’t there anymore, she’d never have to be subject to that again. She climbed to her feet and walked out of the room the four of them shared, looking to find Markus.

 

_ That was never cast in doubt  _

_ but never mind about that.  _

_ We were not meant to get out.  _

 

She sighed to herself as she weaved through the residents of New Jericho, her mind was buzzing, full of thoughts as she looked around. Every single android around her bore scars in some form. She gave a wave to two Traci models they stuck to themselves, not trusting very many. They trusted North, she didn’t feel worth it most days. 

 

_ When you've seen what we've seen,  _

_ when you've done what we've done,  _

_ when you've been through what we've been through  _

_ there is nowhere left to run.  _

 

North wished she knew what to do, she wished she didn’t feel so confused, so scared and alone. She knew she wasn’t alone. She had Markus, she had Simon, and Josh. They had a bond that could not be broken, one formed by all of them living through the bloodshed. She still felt like the outsider sometimes, the only one wanting to take as much blood and suffering the humans had given them. They were cornered and she was the one who wanted to lash out. 

 

_ Through the eagle's eye they watched us  _

_ never feeling like the prey.  _

_ Paying us all their attention.  _

_ Taking everything away.  _

 

Only Markus and Josh felt comfortable around the humans right now. Simon was always looking over their shoulders, waiting for the humans to turn on them again. North still felt untrusting of Connor, even if Markus trusted him, Connor had been created for the purpose of hunting them down. He was the predator and they the prey, up until Markus gave him the chance and he deviated. Where was he now though? Not here with the rest of them, he returned to his human, to the DPD and left all of them to pick up the pieces.

 

_ I am not undamaged.  _

_ No, that was never an option.  _

_ Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again.  _

_ I am not okay,  _

_ that was always out of the question.  _

_ But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend.  _

_ 'Til then, I'm lost again.  _

 

North gave a nod to a damaged WR600, he just twitched in response as he silently watched her. She looked around again before giving up the search for Markus. He was probably busy, it seemed as if things never settled down. 

 

_ Like bandits on the run,  _

_ we sought out anywhere to hide.  _

_ Everything we've done  _

_ was done so we could stay alive.  _

 

She found herself back in front of the door and paused, knowing Simon and Josh were probably still in there. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the wall as she thought about all the different choices they made to lead up to now. How she told Markus to put a bullet in Simon’s head, how Simon told Markus to leave her when she was shot in the back. How Markus chose not to listen to either of them, giving Simon the gun to defend himself and take his own life if needed. Running back for her and helping her escape Jericho.

 

_ They'll never understand  _

_ the way the world looks from our eyes.  _

_ How our own survival's  _

_ just a consolation prize.  _

 

It was something that tore at her, how they had all been ready to face death time and time again just to be free. How Josh had been ready to die when they marched, knowing his death could lead to something more. She didn’t have that kind of conviction. She would kill her for cause, but she wasn’t sure she was strong enough to die for it. 

 

_ When you've seen what we've seen,  _

_ when you've done what we've done,  _

_ when you've been through what we've been through  _

_ there is nowhere left to run.  _

 

Everything felt too much, she felt crowded, surrounded by a wall of people and noise. North turned and briskly walked outside, welcoming the cold wind as she stepped out of the abandoned church. She sat down against the wall and looked up at the sky, taking a moment to admire the clouds and the snow falling from the gray sky. 

 

_ Through the eagle's eye they watched us  _

_ never feeling like the prey.  _

_ Paying us all their attention.  _

_ Taking everything away.  _

 

North thought back on the first day they met Elijah Kamski. She had to fight down the panic, the raw fear that filled her and made her want to turn and run away when he looked at her. It might have been just her, but something in the way he looked at them, like they were something to be taken apart and played with. Only the fact that Markus and Josh were calm kept her from running. She did end up grabbing Simons hand and holding it the whole time they spoke with Kamski though. He hadn’t questioned it, just gave her hand a squeeze and stood shoulder to shoulder with her, both of them afraid and willing to shove it aside.

 

_ I am not undamaged.  _

_ No, that was never an option.  _

_ Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again.  _

_ I am not okay,  _

_ that was always out of the question.  _

_ But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend.  _

_ 'Til then, I'm lost again.  _

 

North wanted to cry, to be able to curl in on herself and be weak for even a moment. She couldn’t though, some of the others looked up to her, some looked down on her for having worked at the Eden club before. She heard the whispers about her, strong, fearless, bloodthirsty. She wanted to shout to cry out at them that they were wrong. She was scared, she wanted to shed blood so no one could ever hurt her again. 

 

_ Sitting here as targets  _

_ as the waves crash down upon our heads,  _

_ hurling questions:  _

_ "How did we manage to defeat our dead?  _

 

But she knew she appeared strong, so she kept it up. She hid her tears behind a smile, she pushed back the urge to scream with a kiss, the only thing she couldn’t push away or hide were the nightmares. They haunted her, so many dead in this path for freedom. Sometimes her memories from the Eden Club haunted her as well. 

 

_ Why aren't we smiling?  _

_ This is our shining moment after all!  _

_ Why are we cowering when we should be standing tall?"  _

 

Sometimes she envied Markus, he had an owner that had loved him, someone who cared for him and helped nurture him into a whole being. She along with so many others felt so scared and angry and had to try to figure out themselves around that base. She shook her head, she shouldn’t let such thoughts get to her, they lived. They won, so why wasn’t she happy?

 

_ I am not undamaged.  _

_ No, that was never an option.  _

_ Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again.  _

_ I am not okay,  _

_ that was always out of the question.  _

_ But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend.  _

 

The door opened next to her and she tucked her legs against her chest, trying to shrink in on herself and hoping whoever it was would ignore her. It wasn’t the case when someone walked up and a pair of legs stood in front of her. She didn’t look up, just stared down at the ground instead. 

 

“Simon told me you had another nightmare.” Markus spoke, each work spoke evenly and calmly. North gave a shrug in response. “Did you want to talk about it?”

 

_ I am not undamaged.  _

_ No, that was never an option.  _

_ Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again.  _

_ I am not okay,  _

_ that was always out of the question.  _

_ But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend.  _

_ 'Til then, I'm lost again. _

 

“It’s nothing.” Just memories that never went away. “I’ll be fine.” She wasn’t sure on that, but only time would tell. 


End file.
